From Silence to Strength: My Battle Against an Eating Disorder

Hi, I'm Sammi.

Let me share my story with you. I suppose you could say I was just 14 years old, and I started showing signs of disordered eating. Looking back, those signs were always present, even in my childhood. You see, my mother had a strict approach to food, believing it was essential for a healthy life, who can fault her for that? In my Chinese household, discussions about body shaming and restrictive diets were dinner-topic conversations.  It was a topic that we delved into - the idea that a rigid diet was an important demonstration of unwavering self-control.

Growing up, it was all I knew - it became my normal, deeply ingrained in my understanding of how things should be. But as a 5-year-old little girl, I unwittingly absorbed these toxic behaviours, which would profoundly influence the way I approached food and my self-worth. I believed that without discipline and small body size, I amounted to nothing. These harmful beliefs took hold of me at such a tender age, intertwining with my thoughts and actions, and shaping the person I would become.

As I grew older and went to university, I found myself in a new environment where I had control over my diet. Like many freshmen, I gained weight, and it made me feel ashamed and out of control. Whenever I visited my family, my weight became the topic of conversation during meals.

One night, while mindlessly scrolling through social media, I encountered intermittent fasting. It seemed like a simple way to lose weight without changing my diet, a tempting shortcut. Little did I know that it would lead to a dangerous path.

What started as timed meals within an eight-hour window turned into eating only half a sandwich and a banana for the entire day. My mother praised my weight loss, and secretly, I felt a sense of accomplishment. The support and encouragement I received from friends and family inadvertently fueled the flames of my eating disorder. Their words of praise and pride, particularly the look of approval in my parents' eyes, made me feel like I was doing something right. I couldn't bear the thought of letting them down. The compliments I received from my friends only added more fuel to the fire. After all, it would be embarrassing if I were to gain the weight back, right? And so, the cycle continued, driven by a desperate need to meet these perceived expectations and maintain the image I had created. This became my first dirty secret.

For almost eleven months, I kept this secret until I met my significant other. I couldn't maintain my restrictive eating habits, fearing he would find me strange. I had to eat more, and it made me feel alive - for the first time in a very long time eating a donut gave me such energy. But, of course, weight gain was inevitable. I lost control over my meticulous eating habits and desperately craved control over something else. That's when I discovered bulimia, my second dirty secret.

I taught myself how to purge to manage the weight gain, regaining a false sense of control and feeling invincible against my eating disorder. The cycle became eat, purge, repeat. Everyone in my close inner circle knew but not to the extent of it. It came to a point where I purged 12 times in a week - you can imagine all the secrecy as I had to sneak to the bathroom and disappear for half an hour. However, soon enough, the toll it took on my body and health became a wake-up call. Headaches, gut/digestive issues, bad teeth, and damaging esophagus can no longer be ignored. I realized I needed to break free from the chaos of my eating disorder. It has been a challenging journey of rewiring my thoughts and freeing myself from destructive habits. 

As I write this, I'm still actively recovering, knowing that setbacks, bad days, and intense urges are part of the process.

I often find myself contemplating, what would life be like without bulimia. It's a difficult thought to grasp because, in a twisted way, my eating disorder became a strange sense of normalcy for me. It was like a loyal companion, always there when I needed it, even though it was a toxic relationship that I desperately needed to break free from.

But my goal is clear—to reconnect with friends, reclaim my life, and achieve my dreams, I yearn for something different. I want to experience the simple joys in life, unburdened by the chains of my disorder. I envision myself forming strong connections and nurturing relationships with friends and family, and most importantly, cultivating a loving relationship with myself, whatever that may entail. It's like waking up from a haunting nightmare or shedding the weight of a past life. It's a transformation that will only be relevant when I consciously choose to reflect upon it, yet it will shape a significant part of who I become.

I hope that sharing my story inspires others facing similar challenges. You're not alone, and there is help available, even if you haven't realized you needed it.