Embracing the Intersection: My Journey of Cultural Identity
As a Chinese person raised in Western culture, my life was colored by the struggle to balance two sets of norms and expectations. Growing up in a melting pot of diverse beliefs and values, I felt like a bridge connecting two worlds, yet belonging to neither. It was uniquely difficult to navigate through the Western culture, as I encountered not only the challenges of merging two sets of norms but also the harrowing journey of battling eating disorders that further complicated my understanding of who I truly am.
Growing up in a Western culture that celebrated body acceptance and individuality, I was taught to embrace my uniqueness and appreciate the diversity around me. However, the traditional Chinese culture, where I was raised, had different beliefs where appearances held significant importance. I was conditioned to believe that conforming to specific body size and maintaining a "girly" appearance were crucial aspects of how others perceived me and determined my self-worth. This relentless focus on outward appearance led me to question my value as a person. It felt as though without a pleasing appearance, I had nothing substantial to offer or showcase to the world. Although embracing body acceptance might seem like a logical path, my cultural background taught me that there was always room for “improvement”, consistently suggesting that I needed to lose more weight or be smaller.
As humans, we often tend to dwell on the negative aspects, and the societal beliefs ingrained in me, particularly those influenced by Chinese culture, had a profound impact on my mindset. I found myself genuinely believing in these beliefs, which perpetuated the notion that my worth was solely tied to my physical appearance.
The concept of "finding my own identity" eluded me, as I couldn't grasp why it was necessary. After all, I thought, how could one be lost when simply being themselves? However, as time passed, the true meaning of that phrase became clear to me. I had reached a point where I had lost touch with my sense of self, and my sole purpose seemed to revolve around pleasing others rather than myself. I began living my life for everyone else but me.
In this state of self-neglect, I felt devoid of any originality, as if my entire existence was merely defined by being someone's daughter, sister, or friend – nothing more. But with time and introspection, I finally grasped the importance of discovering my individuality and reclaiming my own identity as Sammi.
As I tried to fit into both worlds, I found myself seeking control over my life in the form of restrictive eating patterns. The desire to conform to certain beauty standards fueled my struggles with anorexia and bulimia, as I convinced myself that adhering to a specific body size would somehow bring acceptance and validation. But instead of finding peace, I was entangled in a web of self-destruction.
Visiting Hong Kong, where cultural norms regarding beauty and body ideals were even more pronounced, intensified my feelings of inadequacy. The constant comparisons to others and the relentless pursuit of the "ideal" body in a culture with little room for body diversity further isolated me, even within my heritage.
I lost touch with my true self in the grips of my eating disorder. The identity that was once a harmonious blend of two cultures became fragmented by the shadows of my struggles. I questioned my worth and validity as a person, feeling like an imposter in both the Western culture that encouraged body acceptance and the Chinese culture that emphasized conformity.
The journey toward healing and self-discovery was taxing, marked by numerous setbacks and moments of despair. I embarked on a path of self-love and self-reflection, gradually untangling the threads of my identity crisis. It was not an easy process; it demanded immense courage to face the traumas that led me down this destructive path in the first place.
As I began to confront the emotional turmoil beneath my eating disorders, I discovered that the battle was not solely about body image; it was about finding acceptance and self-love. Embracing my cultural heritage and appreciating the unique blend of values instilled in me by both worlds became integral to my healing.
Reconnecting with my Chinese roots allowed me to explore the beauty of my cultural identity without the shackles of societal expectations. I delved into the richness of my ancestry, the wisdom of ancient traditions, and the warmth of family bonds. This journey taught me that cultural identity is not about fitting into a mold but about embracing the diversity within ourselves and celebrating our experiences. Equally important was acknowledging the positive influences of Western culture in my life. The acceptance of individuality and the celebration of diverse backgrounds reminded me that I am not defined solely by my struggles but by my resilience and capacity for growth.
